A specter named rage.

When I was in my twenties, I had a lot of anger inside. There was this underlying rage that always just seem to lurk around. Like an invisible specter. No one could see it, yet I could feel its breath down my neck. And when that panting breath became too hot to handle, I would explode, releasing its fiery venom on anyone in my vicinity.

I suspect this anger came from past experiences and my inability to successfully manage negative emotions. Slowly but surely, little annoyances would build up into a pit of anger that was waiting to implode. Growing older, I have learned that this angry specter was nothing much more than a scared little creature representing my fears and internal pain. It needed my rage to survive, and I was no longer on board to keep this dreadful pet around. I also learned that it would take years of inner re-conditioning for my heart to not listen to its voice or to feel its warm breath down my neck. The stories I was telling my internal self, needed to change.

We all have had experiences that hurt us on our life’s journey. Sometimes the things people do to others makes us speechless and hopeless. We can’t understand how other humans can behave this way or why that could have happened to us.

To me!

My question is. Why not me?

What makes me so unusual and significant that I would be made exempt of suffering?

I like to think of it as a double-edged sword.

Being an extremely empathic person who loves deeply and quickly makes me more susceptible to getting my feelings trampled on. Putting all my trust in the humans around me, makes me vulnerable to anguish.

It’s always been this way. I care hard and I fall just as hard. I have exceptionally high standards and get disappointed quite easily. I used to detest being so exposed and it made me feel weak. But these are the facets of my character that I have grown fond of in my thirties.

The difference between my twenties and now is the fact that I had the epiphany of realizing that these characteristics are not weak at all. I am extremely brave for putting my authentic self out there. Every single time. Blow after blow. I still seem to be able to trust and feel passionately – despite the wounds it sometimes brings.

So, we can’t escape affliction – now what?

For me, reacting to any given situation or person is an art and skill that needs continuous practice. It’s not what happened or what someone did to me, it’s how I react to it. It’s something that sounds so simple and easy, yet it we all struggle with our reactions to events every day, in many ways.

The simplest and purest gift you can give your inner world, is the gift of true forgiveness. You will not find a single man-made object that gives you more joy and peace than forgiving a wrongdoing done upon you.
Retaliation or revenge will only destroy your soul.

When I was a child, I used to watch the Oprah Winfrey show religiously. I still remember clips of episodes more than 30 years ago. Lessons that stuck in my developing brain. Laying stagnant until I needed them in my adult years. One of those lessons was a phrase I remember from one of those archived episodes: “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die” I have seen this quote being used in many different formats. I never truly understood it until recently. I have heard and read it about a thousand times. It’s like it always fell on deaf ears. Only recently have I made it part of my understanding of the world and human behavior, including my understanding of my own fragile inner world.

Practice makes perfect.

I am by no means a level expert forgiver (yet). I still succumb to my emotions and react to pain in ways I am not always proud of. Que the rage specter!

I am however proud to say that these episodes are decreasing. I am much more likely to react with kindness or compassion towards my annoyer. Something that is fundamentally important to me and probably the life skill that I most want to improve on as I grow older (and hopefully wiser!).

If you practice kindness and compassion regularly, it will change your inner dialogue. I can’t tell you when your thoughts will change, and I won’t tell you it’s easy. But if you stick to your guns and practice this mindfully, you will soon recognize a beautiful change within yourself that will adjust the course of your destiny. Do it in small steps and with tiny gestures. And if you fail, see it as a steppingstone to greater self-improvement. Two steps forward. One step back. You are still gaining momentum. Keep moving forward.

And my fire breathing specter? What happened to it?

It’s still here and it has learned to survive on more than just a diet of rage. I don’t ever want to completely get rid of it. I want to keep on training and nurturing it. It can be used as a guiding light to help me recognize resentment that built up in my unconsciousness. When I feel the sizzling breath, it brings these hidden feelings of animosity to the light and into my consciousness. I use it as a warning sign for when I need to slow down. Stop. Listen. And think before reacting.

It’s scorching breath is my cue to forgive.