This is about the family member in your life that you don’t want to talk about.

Its name is depression.

It creeps up on you when you least expect it. Especially when you think you have your shit together and life is finally going well. It sits there in the corner, like a hungry beast. Waiting, watching & ready to pounce.

And you are never ready for it’s cold embrace. It makes you feel like the world is coming to an end, but no one around you sees it. Has everyone around me gone blind?

Surely it can’t be just me that feels like this.

You think this thought repeatedly. Am I crazy?

You do anything in your power to avoid the sickening tightness in your stomach, but nothing seems to help. Everything you do makes your inner despair worse.

You know you must get up. Face the world.

Go about your day.

But it just feels so daunting. Why can’t I just hide today? I don’t have any energy. There is no joy. I can’t concentrate. Everything is a blur of irritation and numbness.

Why do I hate myself? It’s not normal to feel this way.

You rationalize. You negotiate.

Your life is so great, you have everything you’ve ever wanted (Beast: “You don’t deserve it”)

You are smart & successful (Beast: “You’re a fraud”)

You are fit and healthy (Beast: “Look at those fat rolls in the mirror, those lines on your face”)

You have a wonderful husband, amazing friends (Beast: “Wait till they get to know the real you, they will surely run away”)

You’re so scared that you cannot breathe.

What if I’m not normal? What if I can never be happy? (Beast: “Of course you will never be happy, you are not normal at all”)

What if I am not good enough? Strong enough? (Beast: “You are worthless”)

You over analyse everything people say to you. What did she mean by that? Is she mad at me? What did I do wrong? I deserved that comment, I am not a good person. You’re so scared that you do everything in your power to prove that the beast is right. You act out. You drink too much. You mess up. You’re a shitty friend. And then you make your own fears come true (Beast: “I told you so” “See, no one likes you” “They all think you are weird” “Everyone is going to leave you”) You get so caught up in the madness of it all that sometimes you can’t even look people in the eye. (Beast: “No one likes you” “You don’t belong here” “You can’t even have an intelligent conversation”) Friends and loved ones remind you of the great person that you are – but you physically cannot believe them. You know what they are saying is true, but you just don’t feel it. You so badly want to feel it. And believe it.
They just don’t understand that saying “snap out of it – you have an amazing life” will not help. It only fuels the guilt you already have for feeling this way.

You don’t like yourself. You feel worthless, bad, crazy and confused. You seek validation in all the wrong places, because you cannot give it to yourself. The more validation you seek, the worse you feel.

Why am I such a bad person? Your self-esteem is non-existent. You realise that the way you talk to yourself will never be the way you talk to someone you love.

What can I do?

I look my beast straight in the eye.

I know you are there. I know you exist.

I also know that you are not the entirety of me.

You will not be the boss of my inner life.

You are a disease. I don’t have to be ashamed anymore. I am strong. I am not alone. I always have help.

I will dig myself out of this self-made hole. I will be kind to myself. I will love myself alongside my beast.

For my beast is part of me and I will not let it hide in the darkness anymore.

I AM my beast; we are one and the same.

And only I can change the narrative.