Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated by human behavior and psychology. As a teenager, I loved watching the Dr. Phil show. His to-the-point advice and no-nonsense attitude mixed with empathy and compassion inspired me to think differently about the world.

One episode really stood out to me. I had one of those light bulb moments when something just clicks in your mind and you know you have been changed forever.

I don’t remember the guests or particulars of the episode, but I do remember this saying:
There’s something about that person I don’t like about ME.

Wow that hit hard!

I have been using this phrase ever since and it has proven to come in handy on quite a few occasions on my life’s journey. It has served as a valuable tool for introspection and self-growth.

The main idea is this: Some people we just don’t like or get along with. They crawl under our skin or just seem plain annoying. Why is this?

Dr. Phil’s theory (which I have made my own) loosely describes it as follows: When someone is irking you or working on your nerves, there is most likely a personality trait or attribute within this person that hit a nerve with you about yourself.

Generally, when I find myself thinking negative thoughts about someone, I immediately ask myself this question: “What is it in that person that I don’t like about ME?”

Ten to one there is something about that person that I fear or lack within myself. It has nothing to do with that person – it has everything to do with my own limitations & inner dialogue.

Maybe this person has a characteristic that triggers something within me that I don’t want to be associated with. Or, it may awaken a deeply hidden fear.

For example. I have a very big fear of relying on someone financially. I never want to be viewed as a sponger. This person may be someone who relies on their partner financially. Though this is totally normal and nothing to look down on, it can trigger a deep-rooted uneasiness in me.
I know rationally that this person is not a bad person and that every relationship has a different dynamic.
I may just be irritated by them as they have awoken a sleeping insecurity and brought it to my consciousness.

Another example can be explained as this: This person may be very smart and have a few degrees under their belt. This can trigger my inner anxieties about not being good or smart enough. I may want to avoid this person as they provoke something within me that I don’t want to face.

Maybe this person has an anxiety problem and reacts quickly to emotional threats. This is a trait that I possess myself that I really detest. It makes me feel uneasy to meet my shortcomings face to face.

Whatever it may be, there will always be something that I can recognize inwardly as a warning sign to check myself before unfairly disliking someone.

Look, I’m not referring to people who are real life dickheads and act rude or unkindly.

I believe that most people are inherently good. Sometimes good people behave badly, but most of the time people are just trying to do their best.

There are of course dickheads walking around, but they are few and far between.

One of my most important life goals is the quest to self-awareness.
If I don’t know myself, my inner dialogue, triggers, anxieties, fears, and hopes – how can I truly know someone else authentically?

The more I work on my own self-discovery, the better I can understand situations presented to me or people I encounter.

I understand that some people will never become my friends.
With regards to my interactions with them, I do want to uncover the possible reasons and weak points in myself that I may need to work on more.

If I can face it, discuss it and turn it into something positive, I’m all for it!

This is where healing and growth starts. This person I “don’t like”, might just give me a wonderful gift if I am just open to receive it.

It’s way easier to fix yourself than to try and fix someone else.