A piece about self-care – and I don’t mean bubble baths and massages.

Treat yourself.
A phrase being thrown around in popular media these days.
Self-love, self-care – but what does it actually mean?

I believe that self-care and self-love are the foundations of a true successful life.

And it has nothing to do with materialistic things.

To me, it’s a deep-rooted aura. An essence or way of being.
A feeling deep down in your soul. A voice inside your heart guiding you gently as you move along on your journey. A whisper that speaks to you with only the purest form of kindness and compassion.

Without self-love you cannot possibly function fully in your relationships. You can’t shine in your career and you cannot lead a life of complete fulfilled potential and purpose.

Don’t get me wrong.
There are a lot of broken, self-loathing people out there functioning just fine.
But are they functioning to their fullest, most efficient potential?
What is the price they are paying? What does their heart and inner dialogue look like?
Are they authentically happy or just going through the motions of surviving?

The way I feel about myself affects every single aspect of my life.
The words I speak. My actions, thoughts and perceptions. The way I react and respond.
The voice of my inner world.

If I cannot think of myself as lovable or worthy, I will most certainly not have the capacity to see others that way. Yes, I can respect and try to love others, but it will not be to the fullest degree.
I will deny myself and my loved ones of the amazing person I could have been if I just believed that I am enough.

People’s actions and my perception of their behavior will reflect off key in my mind. This will influence my relationships and friendships as it will sprinkle a little bit of ugliness on my thoughts and ideas about certain situations.

It’s like walking around with black tinted glasses. You can see okay, but nothing is in full bright colour.
The world will be a song, but a tone deaf one.

How do I practice self-love and self-care?

Personally, it starts with the conversations I have with myself.
Would I repeat the things I say to myself to a cherished friend? Would I speak to her the way I speak to myself?

The best tools you can have in your self-care box are kindness, honesty, compassion, empathy, and boundaries. 

Being kind and gentle to myself doesn’t mean that I am not accountable for bad choices or wrongful actions. It means that I can take my mistakes and failures, try to make them right and learn from them.
Without beating myself up about it.

Being truthful about slip ups or triggers is a fantastic tool to possess.
I honor myself by being honest.
Because by being honest I can recognize stressors quicker and react smarter. I can identify mishaps faster and correct them more swiftly.

The next step is compassion and empathy.
I deserve the permission to be a flawed human.
I deserve the right to fall, stand up, fight & bounce back. I deserve self-respect and love.
I deserve to forgive myself and move on with grace and maturity.

At the bottom of the toolbox we have boundaries.
It’s last on the list, but certainly not the least.
Only after I have begun to master and come to grips with the other self-care and self-love tools, can I start working on healthy boundaries.

I need to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t. What provokes me and what deserves my energy and time.

The boundaries I need may not be the boundaries you need.

Maybe you need to learn to say no more often. Or perhaps you need more alone time for reflection and to recharge your batteries.

For me, cutting down time with negative and toxic people is my most important boundary.

That means that if I find myself in a relationship with an individual who always sees doom and gloom, never looks for solutions and repeatedly has bad stories to tell, I cut them out.

I’m not referring to a friend who’s going through a rough patch.
I’m referring to a person who consistently seems to find something to complain about. Someone who is regularly stuck in victim mode.
Every time I leave the conversation with them, I feel drained and anxious.

My time, energy & inner peace is just too important to compromise on this.

Sometimes you’ll encounter people like this in your family.
While you can’t ever cut out a family member completely, you can set clear boundaries of time spent with them & of the type of behavior you will and will not accept.
You owe it to yourself and to them to be honest about this and to lay down your expectations in an assertive, yet soft and gentle way.

Kindness + honesty + compassion + empathy + boundaries = self-care accomplished.

Most importantly, I need to believe that I have the right to feel amazing about myself.

Being proud of yourself is the not the same as being vain.
Vanity is empty and lacks depth and character. It’s a quick fix and a cheap emotion. You will get a temporary high but will be left feeling sick afterwards.

Too often women get bullied into this notion that if we like the way we look or celebrate the success we achieve, we are being vain or self-obsessed.

What of load of hogwash!

If you love and accept your body, your looks, your personality, your brain, your achievements, and your accomplishments – shout it from the rooftops!

Be kind, loving and accepting – towards yourself.

Be in awe of the person you are.
Be grateful for the person you have been.
Be excited about the person you are becoming.