Have you ever noticed that sometimes there are patterns in your life that keep repeating themselves?
Certain series of events will play themselves out over and over, like bad music on repeat.

It’s like there’s a lesson in there somewhere and you just don’t get it.

Until one day something happens, and you abruptly snap out of your ignorance coma.

This last one cut unbelievably deep.

Maybe that is the point.
Immense hurt.

Without experiencing this excruciating pain, I would have never woken up and realized that this needs to stop.
I’d stay stuck in a way of being that I was blissfully unaware that could be harmful to me and possibly harmful to others.
Event after event. Cemented in my cluelessness…

If this last event weren’t so awful, I’d still be oblivious.

What’s the lesson here? What do I need to change?

You cannot grow without discomfort. It’s a packaged deal.
Sometimes growth will ride in on a bulldozer and slap you right across the face with a sledgehammer.

A-ha moments don’t come around bearing flowers and chocolates.

Was there an exact moment that I came to realize that I will never be the same person ever again? Not really.
I was just doing what I needed to do to get through the day and grieve.
And within that grief I realized that I never want to feel like this again.

Am I at the acceptance stage yet?
Not at all.

I like to imagine that I am at the enlightenment stage.

It’s the stage where the hurt is still present, but I’m dealing with my anger and uncomfortable feelings in a different way than ever before. And the more I change my coping mechanisms, the better I feel.

My inner dialogue and actions are even starting to change.
I am more aware of the person I am representing to the world.
Together with shaping myself into the person I want to be authentically.
What do I need to change?
How do I want to leave a room?
Mostly, I want people to feel better after I have engaged with them.

This transformation did not come free.
I had to lose a lot to gain these insights.
Collateral damage as they say.

Life can only be lived forward. And I will not allow myself to be put into a shame storm & criticize myself for behaviors of the past.

What I know for sure is that this last unfortunate event was different.
I feel a sense of loss, but also a sense of tremendous gain.
This has been one of the most bitter-sweet journeys I have ever found myself on.

And though I deeply mourn the “how it could have been”, I sincerely appreciate the “what is”
And mostly, I welcome the “to be” with all my heart and soul.

A “to be” where I can cultivate peace, compassion, kindness, joy and above all, truth.

Cheers to the last collateral damage.
You will have a special place in my life after all, even if it is in a different way than what I expected.